I think I won the penis lottery.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You made out with two different species that night
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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