so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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