Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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