God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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