it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
