I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have demons in me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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