who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
