Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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