the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
