YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You were trust falling into bushes
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
