Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize