i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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