sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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