My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
