Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
