i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
