I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
