Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
