I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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