it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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