why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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