When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
