youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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