I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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