i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
