woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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