If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
