he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
COCAINE IS GR8
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
