Well apparently he's into motor boating.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
