mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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