Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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