get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
