look no pants
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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