i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
