Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
