theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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