Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize