You smell like stripper and shame
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
