there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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