Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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