I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
