if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
