We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
