I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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