Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
