Kiss
Puke
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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