honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
