You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
