Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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