i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
