I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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