based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
