I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
