Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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