I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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