sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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