nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
