Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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