while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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