My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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