I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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